E3 is just around the corner so I thought It’d be a great Idea to put my two cents in on what will be announced/revealed by each company. First up is EA because I would never pass up the opportunity to shit on them.
Here’s what I’m expecting from them
Lying about Jedi: Fallen Order. EA has been singing (or incoherently howling) from the rooftops about their next (and possibly final) marquee Star Wars release. After how poorly Battlefront II did you can bet they’ll spend at least an hour of their conference making things up about it. They will probably show a demo that’ll look extra snazzy as it’ll either be pre-rendered or, if it’s in game, running on a super-computer generating enough heat to fry an egg. In addition they will probably make all sorts of claims about “dynamic gameplay” or “reactionary worlds” or other long-winded jargon that doesn’t really mean anything. It will also be revealed that there will be 37 different pre-order packages for the game’s Holiday 2020 release date.
Next up is the next Battlefield which will definitely be called Battlefield 1942. With the next Call of Duty being Modern Warfare it only makes sense that EA would also go with they “Hey there you liked this game so were going to pretend this is the same thing” approach.
They’ll also talk about indie games for a few seconds.
Finally they’ll try to convince us that Andrew Wilson is not a lizardman. Lies
In the 20+ years I’ve been playing video games I noticed something. That almost every game I’ve played that has a reversible cover has been shockingly good and I always wanted to know why. My best guess is that a reversible cover represents a sense of pride. It is a sign that the team who made it actually cared about the project and were willing to put in the extra effort. After all, a reversible cover has no impact on the game and only creates more work for the team.
Now, I could be waaaaay off and the only reason reversible covers exist is because the team couldn’t decide between two cover designs so they decided to use both. Since I can’t think of a way to end this here’s a list of games with reversible covers you should check out.
Xenoblade Chronicles- one of the greatest Jrpgs of the 2010s. It has an amazing score and an art style that still looks good nearly 10 years later.
Xenoblade Chronicles 2- A sorta-sequel to Xenoblade that despite having a story that’s about 20 hours too long and a dollar-store shounen paragon for a protagonist was still an incredible experience thanks to an amazing score and gorgeous art style.
Tekken Tag Tournament 2: Boasting a huge roster, excellent gameplay, and all the Tekken weirdness you can handle it was one of the best fighting games of the 7th generation and the best Tekken game until Tekken 7. It also has the masterclass in game composition that is “High School Love”.
Gundam Dynasty Warriors 3: it’s Dynasty Warriors with a hilariously nonsensical story and an impressive variety of mobile suits. In addition it manages to be a better ZZ than the actual ZZ (man I hate ZZ).
DOOM (2016): You get to punch demons so hard they explode
Legend of Zelda: Breath of The Wild: It’s good
Despite it being a story of one man’s quest to only do sidequests Goblin Slayer has the potential to have a really good game. Here are some ideas I had ordered by how likely they are.
Exploitative mobile game: no effort + get money=yay
Monster Hunter Clone- Monster Hunter clones are cheap and not overly difficult to make. Create five maps, have players kill gobs, done.
Soulslike- The game play of the Souls-franchise would fit Goblin Slayer perfectly. It’s slow, methodical nature and brutal difficulty would mirror how he isn’t all that strong and relies on tactics to win.
Witcher 3-esque- The style I would most want to see. The Witcher 3 was a really good dark fantasy and its game play and aesthetic would blend well with the twisted world of Goblin Slayer. It would also be a great way to add depth to the series’ bland world. In addition the consequences of accepting certain quests over others and the impact it has on the world would be a great touch.
This is the style least likely to happen as it would require an enormous amount of time and effort to get the polish required to make it work. Which is way more effort than any studio would allow for a cash-in.
Final note: No matter what kind of game is made there needs to be a superboss battle against Doom Guy (The Doomslayer)
In a recent press release Japanese game developer, Running on Empty, announced that their debut game, Girls x Philosophy! (or at least I think that’s what it was called; it had a bunch of hearts, stars, and what looked like a snicker doodle in the title) will be released Q3 2019 for iOS and Android.
According to the dev it’s a gacha game where all of the characters are waifu-bait versions of famous philosophers. Which makes sense, because who hasn’t has sat down and thought “man, I really wish Socrates was a cute anime girl”. What? No one?
When asked how they came up with the idea the project lead said: “Our line of thinking was if Fate could turn Elizabeth Bathory into waifu-bait then we can do the same for Voltaire and Nietzsche”. “That and we wanted to make boatloads of money without trying”.
Well, at least they’re honest
It was just announced by legendary developer Square Enix that the conclusion to their beloved Final Fantasy/Disney fanfiction hybrid Kingdom Hearts III will feature a battle royale mode.
When asked why they thought this wasn’t a terrible idea the game’s director/humanoid sloth Tetsuya Nomura stated: “well, the series’ plot is super convoluted. Because of that we needed to find a way to attract new players and a battle royale mode seemed like the best idea”.
When asked to elaborate he continued: “They’re super popular, and players will totally get on board with the idea and not think we’re doing it solely to cash-in on a trend”.
When it was pointed out that the team could simply add in a short documentary-type video that explains the story up until this point he stopped talking to us.
Luckily Square Enix also announced that the collector’s edition of KH3 will now come with a torch and pitchfork.
Kingdom Hearts III will allegedly be released later this year.
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The first season of Isekai darling, “My Mostly Awesome Life in Another World Because That World Turned Out to Be Created by Bioware during Their Golden Age”, mercifully ended after 12 episodes of being stuck in a character creator screen. When asked about this poorly paced mess during a press conference series creator, Everyone Ever, had this to say. “Admit It. We’ve all spent days in a character creation screen at some point. This quieted most of the show’s critics as he made a pretty good point. Even more impressive, a large portion of elitists started calling it a “masterpiece of avant-garde art”. In a somewhat surprising twist the show was immediately renewed for a second season after the conference.