Articles

New JRPG Only 800 Hours Long

Tokyo, Japan- In a shocking announcement Atlus has revealed that their next marquee title, Darkest Hearts, will only last a mere 800 hours. When ask why the game would be so short the president of Atlus, Akira Nomoto, had this to say “with all that is happening in the world right now, we belived that a light experience would appeal to most players”.

The title is confirmed to be a JRPG/Visual Novel/Card Game hybrid and will follow a group of teenagers as they fight monsters, self-doubt, and a non-existent marketing campaign which will result in like three copies being sold.

The game is currently set to launch December 32, 2020

New Series Uses We Built This City During Tragic Death Montage

In a move critics praised as “a unique take on a familiar concept” new series Flying Swords set a montage, killing off most of the stellar main cast, to the 1986 Mega-hit you still can’t get out of your head “We Built this City”.  When asked how the team came up with this idea the director stated “It’s all about subversion”. Even if it results in a work completely falling apart and ruining something promising, Everyone knows that subverting expectations automatically makes something artistic and interesting”.

 

Local Internet Person Returns From Hastily Written Time-skip Arc

This is my first post in awhile so I feel like I should explain myself. I just finished my final semester of college so, as you can imagine, things were really busy. In addition to an egregious amount of work I had a hard time coming up with ideas. However, now that I have more time than I know what to do with I’m planning on writing some more articles. Lets just hope this doesn’t turn into another “timeskip”.

Great Ending Ruined by Terrible Series

It was an ending writers wish they could make. It was thrilling. It tied up all the loose ends. It concluded the story in a way any fan would adore, if only there were any left. You see this perfect ending was unfortunately attached to “My Childhood Friend is a Tyrannical Dictator in Another World” an alleged romantic comedy/political thriller that has been lovingly described as “hot garbage” and “the anime equivalent of getting a tooth pulled nut somehow more painful”.

New Protagonist Granted Dual Super-powers of Clairvoyance and Anxiety

In today’s hyper-competitive field of overpowered protagonists one power just isn’t enough. In response one author decided to spice things up they took the ever favorite future-sight and, along with it, gave our hero crippling anxiety. “This sucks, I mean yeah it’s cool I can win every fight and know what to say to everyone but that doesn’t mean much when I get anxious over things that won’t happen for 600 years”. “Couldn’t the author have given me a more reasonable combo power like super-high charisma but an insufferable personality”?

Demon Lord Increasingly concerned about Number of Teenagers Sent to Kill Her

In a recent interview Isekai Demon Lord Sartyia vented her frustration with being contractually obligated to fight random Japanese teenagers. “It’s absurd, the last one was like the 6th this season”. It’s gotten to the point where trying to kill them just feels wrong. Thankfully, I’ve found ways to keep them from getting too far. Like adding increasingly dumb misunderstandings between protagonist-kun and his clichè compadres. For example, I managed to create a 3 episode arc of him needing to deal with main-girl getting jealous because he had a 20 second conversation with a weapons vendor I turned into a cute girl. Forcing them to go on these adventures is exhausting but worth it. I mean, someone’s gotta look after these idiots.

In Protest to Gods Refusal to Fix World Balance Demon Lord Unveils Peasant Railgun

Recently the Demon Lord filed a complaint that the new Isekai protagonist was far too overpowered and that the gods needed to nerf him. Unfortunately for her the “15-year old nobody” was chosen as wish fulfillment for the gods and her request was denied. In addition they made a decree that she will be required to be a part of his harem.

In retaliation to this decision she unveiled her kingdom’s new superweapon The Peasant Railgun.  “It’s freakin’ awesome”! “Basically it takes a peasant and through magic accelerates them really really really fast. It even has the ability to punch through plot armor up to 7 friendships deep.

However, not everyone thinks this coolest thing ever. The main detractor is 15yearold powerfantasy who believes that allowing this weapon would set a dangerous precedent. “If we allow a weapon to exist it would mean future protagonists would need to put in effort to overcome the challenges placed before them instead of having victory handed to them”. Truly a tragedy.

Demon Lord Files Petition to Nerf Isekai Protagonist

Another season another exceptionally average isekai series. While it will undoubtedly make both fans and executives happy there’s at least one person who isn’t having a good time. The Demon Lord filed a complaint about how overpowered the new protagonist are and how the gods need to “nerf his ass”.  “He’s way too op the gods need to fix that.”  I mean they created a world where you are born into a specific class (level 80 eldritch summoner btw) so why can this punk freakin multiclass”! ” He should either be a fighter or a rogue or a mage or a witchblade or a summoner or an Apache attack helicopter (no idea what that is) not all of them.  And if they won’t do that then they should at least allow me to summon god-class abominations more than once a week. That and not have to be a part of his harem, that would be the ultimate super power.

Impending Catastrophe Waiting For Someone to Monologue on How Peaceful Everything is.

Offscreen, Tragic Flashback- It is yet another idyllic day in the town of Tragic Flashback and all is great. Unless you’re The Impending Calamity.

“This iss soooo freakin’ boooooring”. I’ve been here for TWO EPISODES and no one has monologued about how peaceful and perfect their life is here. How am I supposed to  kill everything they love if they don’t go on…and on…and on about how wonderful everything is? I mean sure, I could just show up anyway but that would be both super unprofessional and hurt my chances at getting any other roles.

Bethesda Betting on Cute Anime Girls To Ensure Starfield’s Success

After their money-bleeding performance of ” How to Ruin Everything in E minor” Bethesda Game Studios knew they were in trouble. They know that their next big release Starfield needs to be a massive success in order to both boost the bottom line and recover the goodwill they burned like a witch at the stake.

To ensure the success of their next marquee release they looked to the exceptional Fallout 4 modding community for ideas. After hours of intense research (i.e. scrolls through the “hot” section for awhile) they found the one thing that would ensure record-breaking sales numbers: cute anime girls. To be more specific The AnimeRace Nanakochan mod by hiyokomod.

This mod adds a new race into the game that let’s you play as a cute anime girl. Allowing you to to fulfill everyone’s dream of traveling through Post-Apocalyptia role playing a magical girl.

Due to this Bethesda has decided to swap every npcs’ race to the Animerace guaranteeing at lease an aggregate score of 8/10, multiple Game of the Year awards, and bragging rights that they made Mass Effect moe.