With Rent Prices Soaring Cat Moves Into Banana

It’s no secret rent is outrageous but what can we do? we all need a place to live, right? One cat said “fuck that” and moved into a banana. when asked why he said: “It’s ridiculous”. “I was working two full-time jobs paying $1000 a month for an apartment slightly larger than a galley kitchen”. When asked why he chose a banana as his choice of housing he said “it seemed like the best option”, “it’s cozy, has lots of character, and it’s portable too”. “I think it will let me to really live the way I want to”. The cat, who has since changed his name to, Bananya still has no concrete plans as to what he’ll do when he moves into his new home. “I’ll probably retire, argue with the narrator, and bounce around”.

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Demon Lord Files Petition to Nerf Isekai Protagonist

Another season another exceptionally average isekai series. While it will undoubtedly make both fans and executives happy there’s at least one person who isn’t having a good time. The Demon Lord filed a complaint about how overpowered the new protagonist are and how the gods need to “nerf his ass”.  “He’s way too op the gods need to fix that.”  I mean they created a world where you are born into a specific class (level 80 eldritch summoner btw) so why can this punk freakin multiclass”! ” He should either be a fighter or a rogue or a mage or a witchblade or a summoner or an Apache attack helicopter (no idea what that is) not all of them.  And if they won’t do that then they should at least allow me to summon god-class abominations more than once a week. That and not have to be a part of his harem, that would be the ultimate super power.

Impending Catastrophe Waiting For Someone to Monologue on How Peaceful Everything is.

Offscreen, Tragic Flashback- It is yet another idyllic day in the town of Tragic Flashback and all is great. Unless you’re The Impending Calamity.

“This iss soooo freakin’ boooooring”. I’ve been here for TWO EPISODES and no one has monologued about how peaceful and perfect their life is here. How am I supposed to  kill everything they love if they don’t go on…and on…and on about how wonderful everything is? I mean sure, I could just show up anyway but that would be both super unprofessional and hurt my chances at getting any other roles.

E3 2019 Predictions: Electronic Arts

E3 is just around the corner so I thought It’d be a great Idea to put my two cents in on what will be announced/revealed by each company. First up is EA because I would never pass up the opportunity to shit on them.

Here’s what I’m expecting from them

Lying about Jedi: Fallen Order. EA has been singing (or incoherently howling) from the rooftops about their next (and possibly final) marquee Star Wars release. After how poorly Battlefront II did you can bet they’ll spend at least an hour of their conference making things up about it. They will probably show a demo that’ll look extra snazzy as it’ll either be  pre-rendered or, if it’s in game, running on a super-computer generating enough heat to fry an egg. In addition they will probably make all sorts of claims about “dynamic gameplay” or “reactionary worlds” or other long-winded jargon that doesn’t really mean anything. It will also be revealed that there will be 37 different pre-order packages for the game’s Holiday 2020 release date.

Next up is the next Battlefield which will definitely be called Battlefield 1942. With the next Call of Duty being Modern Warfare it only makes sense that EA would also go with they “Hey there you liked this game so were going to pretend this is the same thing” approach.

They’ll also talk about indie games for a few seconds.

Finally they’ll try to convince us that Andrew Wilson is not a lizardman. Lies

Bethesda Betting on Cute Anime Girls To Ensure Starfield’s Success

After their money-bleeding performance of ” How to Ruin Everything in E minor” Bethesda Game Studios knew they were in trouble. They know that their next big release Starfield needs to be a massive success in order to both boost the bottom line and recover the goodwill they burned like a witch at the stake.

To ensure the success of their next marquee release they looked to the exceptional Fallout 4 modding community for ideas. After hours of intense research (i.e. scrolls through the “hot” section for awhile) they found the one thing that would ensure record-breaking sales numbers: cute anime girls. To be more specific The AnimeRace Nanakochan mod by hiyokomod.

This mod adds a new race into the game that let’s you play as a cute anime girl. Allowing you to to fulfill everyone’s dream of traveling through Post-Apocalyptia role playing a magical girl.

Due to this Bethesda has decided to swap every npcs’ race to the Animerace guaranteeing at lease an aggregate score of 8/10, multiple Game of the Year awards, and bragging rights that they made Mass Effect moe.

 

 

Chaos Ensues After Absolute Madman Finishes Series Before Reviewing It

It was on this day that hell came forth. Reviewer, Insertusernamehere, posted a review of a totally not fake show I didn’t want to come up with a name for. However, readers were baffled by how detailed it was. After some investigating by intrepid citizen journalists it came out that this user had actually watched the entire series before commenting on it. When this revelation came to light the internet lost its shit.

Pandemonium raged through forums like wildfire. Some users were in utter disbelief with one stating: “why would somebody do that? Being informed is a waste of time”. Other users were filled with unquenchable rage stating: ” how am I supposed to rail on a series when I’m presented with a well researched and unbiased review”!

This truly a crisis

 

Why Are Games With Reversible Covers So Awesome?

In the 20+ years I’ve been playing video games I noticed something. That almost every game I’ve played that has a reversible cover has been shockingly good and I always wanted to know why. My best guess is that a reversible cover represents a sense of pride. It is a sign that the team who made it actually cared about the project and were willing to put in the extra effort. After all, a reversible cover has no impact on the game and only creates more work for the team.

Now, I could be waaaaay off and the only reason reversible covers exist is because the team couldn’t decide between two cover designs so they decided to use both. Since I can’t think of a way to end this here’s a list of games with reversible covers you should check out.

Xenoblade Chronicles- one of the greatest Jrpgs of the 2010s. It has an amazing score and an art style that still looks good nearly 10 years later.

Xenoblade Chronicles 2- A sorta-sequel to Xenoblade that despite having a story that’s about 20 hours too long and a dollar-store shounen paragon for a protagonist was still an incredible experience thanks to an amazing score and gorgeous art style.

Tekken Tag Tournament 2: Boasting a huge roster, excellent gameplay, and all the Tekken weirdness you can handle it was one of the best fighting games of the 7th generation and the best Tekken game until Tekken 7. It also has the masterclass in game composition that is “High School Love”.

Gundam Dynasty Warriors 3: it’s Dynasty Warriors with a hilariously nonsensical story and an impressive variety of mobile suits.  In addition it manages to be a better ZZ than the actual ZZ (man I hate ZZ).

DOOM (2016): You get to punch demons so hard they explode

Legend of Zelda: Breath of The Wild: It’s good

 

 

The Ideal Goblin Slayer Game

Despite it being a story of one man’s quest to only do sidequests Goblin Slayer has the potential to have a really good game.  Here are some ideas I had ordered by how likely they are.

Exploitative mobile game: no effort + get money=yay

Monster Hunter Clone-  Monster Hunter clones are cheap and not overly difficult to make. Create five maps, have players kill gobs, done.

Soulslike- The game play of the Souls-franchise would fit Goblin Slayer perfectly. It’s slow, methodical nature and brutal difficulty would mirror how he isn’t all that strong and relies on tactics to win.

Witcher 3-esque- The style I would most want to see. The Witcher 3 was a really good dark fantasy and its game play and aesthetic  would blend well with the twisted world of Goblin Slayer. It would also be a great way to add depth to the series’ bland world. In addition the consequences of accepting certain quests over others and the impact it has on the world would be a great touch.

This is the style least likely to happen as it would require an enormous amount of time and effort to get the polish required to make it work. Which is way more effort than any studio would allow for a cash-in.

Final note: No matter what kind of game is made there needs to be a superboss battle against Doom Guy (The Doomslayer)