With Rent Prices Soaring Cat Moves Into Banana

It’s no secret rent is outrageous but what can we do? we all need a place to live, right? One cat said “fuck that” and moved into a banana. when asked why he said: “It’s ridiculous”. “I was working two full-time jobs paying $1000 a month for an apartment slightly larger than a galley kitchen”. When asked why he chose a banana as his choice of housing he said “it seemed like the best option”, “it’s cozy, has lots of character, and it’s portable too”. “I think it will let me to really live the way I want to”. The cat, who has since changed his name to, Bananya still has no concrete plans as to what he’ll do when he moves into his new home. “I’ll probably retire, argue with the narrator, and bounce around”.

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New Vaporwave Track Ruled Too Aesthetic

Vaporwave banger Fr∞t L∞P is in serious trouble. The U.S. Supreme Court ruled earlier that it consumed too much aesthetic causing a drought, hindering the rest of the community.

The track attempted to defend itself, however, due to only being able to speak in low-resolution images along with the lack of a translator none of the justices understood it’s argument.

Truly a tragedy

 

 

Harem Series on Hiatus After Basement Floods

Fans of ongoing harem series, Something About Nothing, will be disappointed to hear the show will be going on a three week hiatus. The studio announced the hiatus just moments ago explaining that the cause of this short break was flooding in the protagonist’s basement.

When asked about the cause of the flood the the lead producer told us.  “We’re not entirely sure, but from what we hear it sounds like there’s a problem with the sewage pipe”. “Honestly, we’re really hoping it’s something minor but the crew doesn’t know yet”.

When they were asked about the possibility of moving the show somewhere else the lead producer tod us. “We considered doing a few beach episodes however, all of the houses that we were looking at are booked solid until August”. “We also considered doing a few international episodes but the cost of would push us way over-budget”.

City Informed That Their Insurance Won’t Cover Damage From Latest Battle

Battles in anime have a tendency to cause a massive amount of collateral damage. It was for this reason that the mayor of Nondescript City proposed a budget that would let the city purchase insurance for any future collateral damage.

The change was made last year after an epic season-finale where the two mains ended up destroying a city block. So, after a recent battle destroyed the marina, a luxury apartment complex, and an ugly statue the mayor of the city thought everything would be taken care of. Unfortunately, after contacting the agency, he was informed that the city had purchased the wrong package.

After several hours of intense rage the mayor burst out of his office and started yelling this. “Apparently, the package we bought covers battles involving Demonic entities but, it doesn’t cover them if the entity also happens to be a dragon”. “I don’t get why they separated the two, I mean c’mon how many times have you seen a dragon and it’s not a demon/god or not related to some kind of vague prophecy involving a divine/demonic power”?

I was going to tell him that it is possible however, I too, know the pain of bad insurance so I let it slide.

 

 

Mech In Trouble After Running Out of Abilities

Giant mech and super robo “star”, Kaiser Overlord is in deep trouble after it ran out of new powers during its season finale battle againstits nemesis Dreadlord Magnus.

Kaiser, known for its ability to miraculously gain new weapons and other miscellaneous plot devices, was backed into a corner when it found out it didn’t have anything left it could use.

Here is the transcript of the conversation between it and its pilot.

“Hey I need more power hit the win button”.

“I did, nothing happened”

“Ok, well do we have anything left”?

“Nope”.

“What about the missiles”?

“Nope”

“Swords”?

“Nope”

“What about the Shotguns, rifles, and mega railgun”?

“All empty”

“What about that Devastator Laser we used last time”?

“We don’t have it”.

“What! Why not”?

“Apparently it was a rental”.

“Seriously!? Can we at least throw a building at him”?

“Nope, the studio’s city protection insurance lapsed”.

“We’re screwed aren’t we?”

“Yup”.

Dunkin’ Secures Anime Donut Rights With Decisive Win Over Tim Horton’s

“We knew it would be good, but that was legendary”. Those were the words of one of the announcers at the Donut Grand Prix finals. The tournament, organized by the anime industry, was created to decide which company would become the sole provider of donuts for all series starting in 2020.

shinobu donuts

Exhibit A: Donuts

While the tournament was stacked with tough competitors in every bracket it was the two favorites: Tim Horton’s and Dunkin’ Donuts who met in the final round.

The battle was intense, with both sides unleashing super moves left and right; throwing meteors, planets, black holes. The fighting became so intense they managed to create a alternate reality where Joss Whedon series get more than one season.

However, despite its efforts Tim Horton’s was defeated after Dunkin’ smacked it with a supercluster sized basketball.

I guess you could say that Tim Horton’s, got dunked on.

 

Satired’s Life Advice

  1. Remember, if you’re looking for advice always listen to a stranger on the internet
  2. meditation is useful
  3. If you are in a bar hear “you can’t do that to him he’s my friend” leave immediately. There are no innocent bystanders in a fight.
  4. If you are ever in a fight violence is the answer
  5. Nothing good happens past midnight
  6. Pickup trucks don’t belong in pools
  7. “It seemed like a good idea at the time” is not a good explanation to give the police
  8. Avoid Uwe Boll movies

Series Area Man Tried To Avoid Turns Out To Be Amazing

Hartford, Conn. — Local area man James T. Sullivan has finally caved in and watched Idol of the Seven Stars a series which his friend, Chadsworth Kensington, has been bugging him for months to watch. Although he was initially hesitant, as the past few series Kensington recommended were duds, this time was different.

“It was sooooooooooo goooood” Sullivan told us while half-awake. “I binged it all in one night, I couldn’t stop”. “Everything about it clicked, the characters, the story, the pacing, and of course the music, gelled together to create something amazing”.

“It was so good that even the beach episode was amazing”. “It had a lot of character development and gave a satisfying conclusion to the Political Intrigue arc; one of the series’ best”.

“It was so good I’m going to write a dissertation on how awesome it is right now”.

Well, that’s dedication