With Rent Prices Soaring Cat Moves Into Banana

It’s no secret rent is outrageous but what can we do? we all need a place to live, right? One cat said “fuck that” and moved into a banana. when asked why he said: “It’s ridiculous”. “I was working two full-time jobs paying $1000 a month for an apartment slightly larger than a galley kitchen”. When asked why he chose a banana as his choice of housing he said “it seemed like the best option”, “it’s cozy, has lots of character, and it’s portable too”. “I think it will let me to really live the way I want to”. The cat, who has since changed his name to, Bananya still has no concrete plans as to what he’ll do when he moves into his new home. “I’ll probably retire, argue with the narrator, and bounce around”.

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Studio Miraculously Sets Realistic Deadline

There are things in this world that seem almost impossible: Finding a parking space in Manhattan, finding just the right temperature while taking a shower, introductions like this that only give two examples.

Joining this upper-echelon of moments is a move by Studio High Rent Fees. The studio, best known from being made up 45 seconds ago, made history by  treating their staff with basic human dignity; setting appropriate deadline for their new show, TBD. When the production team was told about the deadline they were ecstatic. It was so incredible that one long-time employee starting crying saying: “I haven’t seem my family in 6 years” “and now I’ll get to see them every day”. “At one point their cheers got so loud the police received a noise complaint but, when they found out what happened they started cheering as well.

Not much is known about the series because I haven’t thought of anything yet but I’m sure it’ll be cool.

 

New Mobile Game Proves That No Idea is Too Ridiculous

In a recent press release Japanese game developer, Running on Empty, announced that their debut game, Girls x Philosophy! (or at least I think that’s what it was called; it had a bunch of hearts, stars, and what looked like a snicker doodle in the title) will be released Q3 2019 for iOS and Android.

According to the dev it’s a gacha game where all of the characters are waifu-bait versions of famous philosophers. Which makes sense, because who hasn’t has sat down and thought “man, I really wish Socrates was a cute anime girl”. What? No one?

When asked how they came up with the idea the project lead said: “Our line of thinking was if Fate  could turn Elizabeth Bathory into waifu-bait then we can do the same for Voltaire and Nietzsche”. “That and we wanted to make boatloads of money without trying”.

Well, at least they’re honest

 

Explorers Discover Love Polyhedron

Many of the most significant events in human history have been discovered in labs. Things like vaccines, nuclear fission, Hot Pockets were (probably) all discovered within the controlled environment of a laboratory. However, other important discoveries were found in the vast-ish reaches of nature by a group of people either knowing where to look or by blind luck. The latter is how the most important discovery of the millennium was made. Something that will forever alter humanity’s approach to media.

The Love Polyhedron.

This legendary find was made by a group of hikers somehow enjoying a walk up a naturally occurring 90 degree angle. “We were going about our day when the ground caved in, revealing a cave, and we decided to go in totally unprepared” said one of the hikers. ” inside the cave was a chest that contained this weird glowing thing that took up way too much space”. Because of the polyhedron’s overwhelming greatness some people have begun to consider it to be scared.

One of the first people to examine it was archaeologist Chipbag Full O’aire; who was awestruck by the find. ” I was never a religious guy, however, this has changed my mind” . “It must be evidence of the existence of gods or at minimum a higher plane of existence. There is no way us mortals could comprehend the level of technology required to forge something this majestic”. “In terms of media this will change everything. With it’s power we could have multiple, interconnected, poorly handled relationships across different media. We may even be able to integrate real people into them”. “It could make us gods”.

 

Scientists Create World’s First Zero-Dimensional Protagonist

The one-dimensional protagonist  is a begrudgingly tolerated part of the light-novel industry. The reason being they’re a perfect fit for the (action/adventure/ecchi/harem/romcom/possibly isekai) wish fulfillment series that make boatloads of cash. However, some in the industry are starting to worry that this trope is wearing out its welcome and thought it was time to find a new type of protagonist. Fortunately for them a group of  scientists at the science place were thinking the same thing and, after much trial and error, they found the solution.

The Zero-Dimensional Protagonist

According to the lead researcher, Jim, the process used to create The Zero Dimensional Protagonist is both simple and extremely difficult. “At it’s core the process is easy. You take a one-dimensional protagonist and remove whatever semblance of personality they have. The hard part is getting the balance right, if you take away too much personality then they can’t exist, take away too little and you’re right back where you started. The trick to is remove personality until so they have no definable character traits but, leave just enough so they qualify as a sentient being”.

When asked how this type of character would function the assistant lead Dave enthusiastically rambled from the other side of the coffee table. “That’s the beauty of it. It doesn’t work, well, at least in a traditional sense. In this case the protagonist doesn’t strictly do or say anything, the other characters tell the reader what the protagonist is doing and why it’s so awesome. Because of this, people can now fully take on the role of the protagonist with needing to change a thing”.

 

Somebody find them a Nobel Prize

 

Politicians Look Into Friendship as Energy Source

With only so much time left before our fossil fuels reserves go on a permanent vacation countries around the world are constantly trying to find a replacement. While we’ve had success with things such as solar, wind, natural gas, and hydroelectric energy, according to a bunch of allegedly intelligent American politicians it’s not enough, we need more. And, according to them, the best choice is finding a way to harness the power of friendship.

The idea came about after they watched a 16-hour marathon of shounen and saw that friendship basically does whatever you want it to. Fight off evil? Check. Power cars? Check. Run a city? Why not? Other stuff? Sure.

As of right now no one has informed them that friendship doesn’t work like that and it doesn’t look like anyone will anytime soon. This is due to the high-level of comedic potential.

PSA: How to Summon a Demon Lord

  1. Evaluate the situation- Before you do anything make sure summoning a demon lord is the best course of action for the current scenario. Side note: if this is the best choice you done goofed.
  2. Read the instructions- I don’t know anything about summoning stuff but chances are there is something such as a manual or leaflet that details how you’re supposed to do this. Think of summoning a demon lord like putting together Ikea furniture; if you don’t follow directions it’s not gonna end well.
  3. Remember: no matter what you do it won’t end well – Summoning a demon lord is probably like a making Hot Pocket; it doesn’t matter how hard you try it’ll never turn out well/most likely kill you.

Low Budget AOT Clone Fails Way To Success

It’s no secret that Attack on Titan is just a little popular, with every season garnering massive critical and commercial success. Hoping to cash-in on the show’s mega-hit status Studio Try Again Later created Monsters… Or Something I Guess. However, there were two problems. One, they don’t know what anime is, and two, they’re broke. As a result they decided to make it live action and, against all odds, it was surprisingly popular. Critics and fans alike commented on how the series never actually shows the monsters, creating an intense atmosphere.

In a recent interview the series’ director Guy McFly was asked how the team came up with this idea. “Honestly, it’s because we had to”, “we can’t show the monsters because we don’t have any”. “Everything you see are pieces of broken animatronics or paper mache. “Behind the scenes this show is less brilliant artistry and more Plan 9”.