With Rent Prices Soaring Cat Moves Into Banana

It’s no secret rent is outrageous but what can we do? we all need a place to live, right? One cat said “fuck that” and moved into a banana. when asked why he said: “It’s ridiculous”. “I was working two full-time jobs paying $1000 a month for an apartment slightly larger than a galley kitchen”. When asked why he chose a banana as his choice of housing he said “it seemed like the best option”, “it’s cozy, has lots of character, and it’s portable too”. “I think it will let me to really live the way I want to”. The cat, who has since changed his name to, Bananya still has no concrete plans as to what he’ll do when he moves into his new home. “I’ll probably retire, argue with the narrator, and bounce around”.

Advertisements

Mech In Trouble After Running Out of Abilities

Giant mech and super robo “star”, Kaiser Overlord is in deep trouble after it ran out of new powers during its season finale battle againstits nemesis Dreadlord Magnus.

Kaiser, known for its ability to miraculously gain new weapons and other miscellaneous plot devices, was backed into a corner when it found out it didn’t have anything left it could use.

Here is the transcript of the conversation between it and its pilot.

“Hey I need more power hit the win button”.

“I did, nothing happened”

“Ok, well do we have anything left”?

“Nope”.

“What about the missiles”?

“Nope”

“Swords”?

“Nope”

“What about the Shotguns, rifles, and mega railgun”?

“All empty”

“What about that Devastator Laser we used last time”?

“We don’t have it”.

“What! Why not”?

“Apparently it was a rental”.

“Seriously!? Can we at least throw a building at him”?

“Nope, the studio’s city protection insurance lapsed”.

“We’re screwed aren’t we?”

“Yup”.

Dunkin’ Secures Anime Donut Rights With Decisive Win Over Tim Horton’s

“We knew it would be good, but that was legendary”. Those were the words of one of the announcers at the Donut Grand Prix finals. The tournament, organized by the anime industry, was created to decide which company would become the sole provider of donuts for all series starting in 2020.

shinobu donuts

Exhibit A: Donuts

While the tournament was stacked with tough competitors in every bracket it was the two favorites: Tim Horton’s and Dunkin’ Donuts who met in the final round.

The battle was intense, with both sides unleashing super moves left and right; throwing meteors, planets, black holes. The fighting became so intense they managed to create a alternate reality where Joss Whedon series get more than one season.

However, despite its efforts Tim Horton’s was defeated after Dunkin’ smacked it with a supercluster sized basketball.

I guess you could say that Tim Horton’s, got dunked on.

 

Satired’s Life Advice

  1. Remember, if you’re looking for advice always listen to a stranger on the internet
  2. meditation is useful
  3. If you are in a bar hear “you can’t do that to him he’s my friend” leave immediately. There are no innocent bystanders in a fight.
  4. If you are ever in a fight violence is the answer
  5. Nothing good happens past midnight
  6. Pickup trucks don’t belong in pools
  7. “It seemed like a good idea at the time” is not a good explanation to give the police
  8. Avoid Uwe Boll movies

Series Area Man Tried To Avoid Turns Out To Be Amazing

Hartford, Conn. — Local area man James T. Sullivan has finally caved in and watched Idol of the Seven Stars a series which his friend, Chadsworth Kensington, has been bugging him for months to watch. Although he was initially hesitant, as the past few series Kensington recommended were duds, this time was different.

“It was sooooooooooo goooood” Sullivan told us while half-awake. “I binged it all in one night, I couldn’t stop”. “Everything about it clicked, the characters, the story, the pacing, and of course the music, gelled together to create something amazing”.

“It was so good that even the beach episode was amazing”. “It had a lot of character development and gave a satisfying conclusion to the Political Intrigue arc; one of the series’ best”.

“It was so good I’m going to write a dissertation on how awesome it is right now”.

Well, that’s dedication

Giant Mech Having Trouble Deciding Where It Will Crash on Earth

Transport Cruiser IF, Space — Recently graduated battle mech Singularity is making, what could be, the most important decision of its life, and it isn’t going well.

“It’s a pain” it stated. “This used to be way easier. The Directors would give you coordinates, you’d crash near a high-school in Japan, make sure the kid finds you and boom, done”. However, the head of HR decided that it would improve employee satisfaction if we got to choose our destination”.

“I mean, the freedom is nice I guess, I just wish they had done more testing before it was implemented. All of us are fresh from the academy and now we need to make a life-altering choice with basically no knowledge of earth. That’s a little extreme”.

During the interview someone from HR came by to ask if Singularity had picked its destination yet. “I think I’ll play it safe and go to Japan. Basically everyone goes there so finding a pilot shouldn’t be too hard”. And with that it was ready.

“Ok, coordinates are in, looks like I’ll crash somewhere around Saitama”. “All I need now is to have one of the princesses trapped inside of me and a corpse shoved inside the cockpit to make it look like I was stolen”. and with that it left.

Can’t wait to see how this predictable mecha series goes.

 

Area Man Nervous About Trying Series His Friend Won’t Stop Talking About About

Hartford, Conn. — Local Area Man, James T. Sullivan is conflicted. His friend, Chadsworth Kensington has been trying to get him to watch Idol of The Seven Stars, a series which he’s been gushing about for months. However Sullivan isn’t too sure.  

“He’s a cool guy and he’s shown me some cool stuff but the last few series he recommended weren’t really my thing, so I’ve been trying to get out of watching it”. We asked him to name a few shows and after 30 minutes he finally came up with something.

“Uh one of them was, Battleship Tomato 20XX, or something, I forget what it was, that was kinda boring. “There was also, Another Dark Magical Girl Deconstruction, It tried so hard to be serious that it became silly”.

“I’d straight up tell him I’m not interested but it’s a magical girl/romcom/political thriller and I love those and he knows it”.

“I was planning on saying work’s been crazy however, I was just laid off and my new job doesn’t start for three weeks”. “I guess I could give it chance, I just don’t want this to be another dud”.

 

Man Panicking After Realizing He Didn’t Use Enough Chips For His Nachos

Raleigh, NC — A local man is quickly trying to find a solution after realizing he ran out chips for his nachos. “I should’ve known better”,  ” I was so focused on the other toppings I neglected most important part”.

“I’ve tried to get creative, overloading the few chips I have , but it’s not enough. Even worse, these were the last in the bag as well so most of them are crumbs”.

“I’m so embarrassed, I mean what am I going to tell my wife”? “How will she react when she find out how much of an idiot I am”?

Truly a tragedy